Mixed Relationships

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Today I heard a term that I never would have guessed was about me. At least not these days. I’ve been married for about 80 years, (I count by feeling, not anni) we have a 2 year old daughter, we’re both Jewish and we attend services together most Friday nights.

We like a great many of the same programs, we’re both into Sci-Fi and terrible zombie movies; we’re both white and we had our daughter the old fashioned way (she wasn’t IVF or adopted or kidnapped). So when I was asked to join a group on ITR involving mixed relationships, I thought they had the wrong person.

So I clicked on the Group, “Mixed Relationships” and I read the membership statement: “This group is designed as support to those in recovery who are in a relationship with those who are not.” My wife is not “one of us”, which makes me “in a mixed relationship.” Isn’t that a blast? I’m so trendy.

I’ve been clean, BTGOG, for over 26 years. None of my 4 kids have ever seen me high, loaded or intoxicated. The fact that my wife has a sip of a margarita about once every 2 months at a restaurant does not even phase me. She doesn’t drink to get loaded; she doesn’t drink to lose her inhibitions; she doesn’t drink because it’s the only way she knows to have fun.  No, she orders a margarita when we’re out at a restaurant that brags about their margaritas, and ends up taking one or two sips and letting it sit on the table for the rest of the meal, and leaves it behind when we leave.

In fact, on New Years Eve, she doesn’t even drink champagne. She joins me in having a glass of sparkling apple juice or grape juice to bring in the new year. So, what kind of ESH could I possibly have for that group, or anyone else for that matter? And am I really in a mixed relationship?

Well, let me start by saying that I have never been able to put a drink down on the table and let it sit there all night. And who could stop at one? And how can you let the ice melt before finishing the drink? And if you’re not going to finish that, mind if I take a sip? …or finish it for you?

I can only imagine that it’s because I have time in this program; combined with a relationship with a Sponsor, working the steps, regular meetings, contact with others in the Program, service work and a sound foundation, that made that even remotely possible. So, as with everything else that prepared us for the journey of our recovery, what you learn in the first 30 days is what you need to use for the next infinite number of years. And I am living proof, whether or not this is really a “Mixed Relationship,” that it works if you work it.

I love this program!

  • MrClean1982

    Not everyone in a “mixed” relationship is as lucky as you. There are many pitfalls such as jealousy and dealing with your partner drinking when you might be going through a tough time, possibly having a case of the “F*ck its”. I’ve been blessed to be in a relationship with a woman with 25 years clean while I have 29 years this month. I feel that we need to be open minded to those less fortunate than us struggling in these “mixed” relationships. Wow…re-reading that last sentence…who woulda thunk it? LOL

  • jen (xnavygal)

    Thanks Caiman Hunter for this blog. I am the one who started the group “Mixed Couples” on the ITR website. I have been in recovery for a mere 3plus years and experienced a couple of stumbling blocks along the way (relapses). I was and am hoping to here from others in recovery about their struggles and victories with their partner who is not in recovery. My husband and I have been together fourteen years and he saw the wonderful confident me and also experienced my eight years of addiction that robbed me from myself.
    Of course, both my addiction and recovery has made a profound impact on him as well. I don’t expect him to “get it”, however he still has his own views and opinions about the program and fellowship, which often times are different from my own. I tend to struggle with balance between recovery and family, (we also have a 9yr old daughter).
    I thought perhaps the ES&H of others in a mixed relationship would be a benefit to us all. Much love and big HUGZS, Jen (xnavygal)